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Post by Choice on Jun 13, 2023 20:19:47 GMT 1
Time: Evening, day 42 IC: Choice took a deep breath and exited the tunnel into the welcoming twilight of the outside world. He'd left Dance and Sneak in the Sleeping Chamber to watch over Milo , had even roped Shinefind into keeping an eye on the half-grown cub as he slept. Something had happened, something more than the losses they'd suffered during the awful blizzard, that had made Milo even more withdrawn than before. And Choice was in no position to help. Not well, at least. Every time he tried to help Milo open up about what gnawed at him, he found himself unable to get past the first 'it's nothing' or 'I'm fine', could only smile and nod as Milo obviously worried or mourned over something. It left Choice feeling helpless and useless, which only made the situation worse, because the last thing the tribe needed was him spiraling into another hole of self-loathing. If he was to help the tribe - help Milo most of all - he needed to sort himself out first. He'd put it off confronting his own issues long enough. And thankfully the holt now had a person he felt might be able to aid him. " Crispin , greetings. Do you have a moment?"
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Post by Crispin on Jun 13, 2023 21:07:44 GMT 1
Crispin had noticed multiple tensions in the holt, to be expected when such different elves were thrown together. They had not enough time to grow together yet, the clashes in culture being another hindrance. Nothing bad enough she felt a need to interfere, but as people tended to trust healers a little bit more than other strangers, she kept an open ear. Easier to give advice when multiple views were known.
Twilight was her preferred time to be awake and outside, so she'd taken Tuft outside. The young caracal had been born and raised in captivity, so her hunting skills were limited, but she was eager enough to stick her nose into any mice burrows or leap after birds. The healer now was wandering, looking for the first sprouts of herbs that could supplement her healing. If she could recognize them, that is.
**Of course!** she replied when Choice called out, turning to him with a smile. She wasn't sure how much the elves here had picked up on her being physically unable to speak, not just having a preference for sending, but hopefully it wouldn't be a deterrence. First she'd hear what Choice wanted, then they could see about finding a more private spot. |
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Post by Choice on Jun 14, 2023 20:08:13 GMT 1
Choice closed the distance between them with hesitant steps. Even the thought of asking for help brought back far too many dark memories; former friends throwing rocks at him to chase him away; cubs born long after his banishment who fled from him like he were a wounded, enraged lion; kind souls seeking him out to aid him but terrified of being discovered doing so. It sent his heart racing. Despite the cool weather, he'd broken out into a cold sweat. But he did his best to not let on his oncoming panic.
"Thank you," he said to Crispin once he'd gotten close enough to not need to raise his voice to be heard. He kept to words instead of sending. Not that he minded sending - no, rather the opposite. Each time he got to touch minds with another elf was as precious as each time he got to embrace someone. But with his current state of mind, opening up to someone who weren't prepared for it...no, it would be rude to Crispin, throwing all of that at her.
"I..." He hadn't planned how to word his plea for help. Rather than stand silent and awkward, he decided to switch tactics. He might be able to trick himself into talking about what needed to be said if he at first talked about someone else.
"I have noticed Milo seems very at peace in your presence. Have you any idea of why he's upset? I-I'm not asking you to betray any secrets. I just want to make sure he hasn't been hurt." By word or deed.
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Post by Crispin on Jun 14, 2023 20:34:15 GMT 1
Whether by sending, words or mere gestures, she was willing to listen to anyones woes, calm their minds. Even at the worst tales she could keep a calm presence, a friendly expression. It was important, to not push someone away who only scrapped together the trust to talk, in whatever small increments.
Crispin knew well why Milo was at ease with her – the use of his true name. But she'd been clear that it was not her place to educate others on it, that if it was so important, he needed to learn to stand up for himself. In gentler words, of course. **I do not know what exactly transpired, but I have a guess what it's about.** His name or his humanness, someone handling this very sensible topic not quite right, scaring him off.
**Sometimes the kits need to figure out their place in the world alone and get hurt in the process, as frustrating as it is to watch as a parent.** And Choice clearly was Milos favourite person here still. Softer, she probed at the underlying problem: **But that's not all you're here for, is it?**
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Post by Choice on Jun 14, 2023 21:32:02 GMT 1
Choice let out a sad excuse for a laugh both at having been seen through so quickly and at Crispin referring to him as a 'parent'. He had no right to call himself Milo's parent, no matter how fond he was of the young elf or how dearly he would have wished to have been, in another life. A better life.
"I never had any talent for keeping secret what I truly wanted said." He'd never had many to practice such skills on. "I am sorry, I hope this is no bother, but... As a healer, can you mend minds as well as flesh and bones? I fear mine is in tatters."
He took a deep breath, fighting against the urge to bolt and hide, to seek out his bond-friend for familiar comfort. "I worry I'm a burden for the tribe as I am now, and I do not wish to be." Especially not to Milo. The cub deserved a strong, safe elder who could comfort him and guide him. Someone like Crispin.
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Post by Crispin on Jun 14, 2023 22:00:32 GMT 1
Crispin smiled reassuringly. **I got a long time of practice.** Many, many years, eights of generations being born since. **And you are never a bother. Even if you wake me in the middle of sleep to sooth a worry, to answer a questions, it'll never be a bother.** There had been very little people who abused this and most of them humans who could not hear her chiding.
**I can. But there are problems that can be helped by a touch of healing and some that are better talked about, just as some wounds need rest more than magic.** Not that she wanted to discourage Choice, simply prepare him for what might be a long path. Laying a gentle hand on his arm, she continued: **Why do you think so? You care well for our youngest member, you hunt, you bring in your skills and animal friends. That does not look like being a burden to me.**
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Post by Choice on Jun 16, 2023 22:49:02 GMT 1
"That's very kind of you to say." And Choice meant that, both about the offer of help day or night and Crispin's judgement of his character and contributions to the tribe. But he'd denied her, or at least tried to deny her and the rest of the tribe, the sight of him at his worst.
"I have good days," he began, then hesitated. How to make this an honest description of himself? Sending about this still felt too jumbled and intimate. No, words would have to do. "When I first came here, all days were good days. That has not lasted."
Losing Nettle and their unborn cub had been the worst of it, but not the only thing he could point to. Once the initial euphoria of seeing new elves and the horrific grief of losing his Recognized both had stopped being the things fully dominating his thoughts, anxiety had gotten its claws into him, as deeply if not deeper than before he came to Beacon Call. Hearing sounds with no source that made sense. Seeing things at the corner of his eye that weren't truly there. Sudden bursts of panic that stole his breath and left him hiding in the woods with his bond-friend, not wanting the others to see, not wanting them to worry (or, a terrified voice whispered from the darkest parts of his mind, not wanting them to deem him a threat, a burden, and make him leave).
"I am still getting used to waking up with other elves," Choice heard himself say, half lost in thought. "In a way, I see myself in Milo, because I too have been shunned by my kin for most of my life." Though for very different reasons. "How could I ever truly comfort him and help him heal, if I'm still falling apart over something similar? I understand magic has it's limits, as does all healing, but I just... I don't even know where to start or how."
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Post by Crispin on Jun 17, 2023 18:37:31 GMT 1
Crispin did not know of all that happened before she arrived, though she picket up snippets here and there. But Choices issues came from more than just that, more than a couple bad days. She'd seen such cases before – her people had a long history of being torn apart by human decisions. Most had accepted it over the years, knowing that as long as they could send, they'd never be alone. Just not all. Children inconsolable without parents. Lovers torn apart. Elves send to do horrible things they never quite recovered from, mistreated.
She knew how to help. **It'll be alright. You're not alone anymore.** she reassured him, taking his hand in hers. The healer had always been tactile in her approaches and Choice seemed to need that casual closeness more than anything. **Sit.** This wasn't something to do standing and the ground was soft enough. **I don't think Milo needs you to be anything but there. But I know techniques to help you keep calm, when the memories get too much. And we can talk. I won't tell anyone.**
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Post by Choice on Jun 18, 2023 18:48:50 GMT 1
Choice's breath stuttered as Crispin took his hand and ushered him to take a seat. After he'd lost Nettle, having to go back to a life of less skin contact had hurt, even though he still had more chance of casual touch here than in his old home. Every brush of skin felt ridiculously precious.
"You're right," he said, making himself as comfortable as his racing thoughts would let him be. "I am not alone now and that is good. I do try to be a kind presence in Milo's life, but..."
Their first meeting kept plaguing him. Milo so clearly longed to be called by a name Choice had no right to know. No matter that Choice hadn't stole it, hadn't tricked the young one into sharing, the fact that he knew a child's soul name weighed heavily on him. His own parents hadn't know his. Soul names were so precious, so vulnerable, that they should only be shared between lifemates or by the joyful whims of Recognition. It should be an equal exchange between adults.
There was a way to mend, if not fully fix, this unbalanced situation. But if he told Milo his soul name, that would share so many things about Choice that he never wished for Milo to know - that Milo shouldn't have to know about an adult who should be a strong, steady presence in his life. And, cowardly as it was, Choice also couldn't make himself. Not only because it would let Milo see all his sorrows and less than flattering sides. No, it just felt...wrong; the same kind of flinching back from an idea as when imagining killing another elf or jumping off a cliff - instinctual horror at a thought of something destructive and dangerous.
Knowing Crispin's soul name felt very different. It felt like little more than a name, though a name that called up no other thought than Crispin herself, unlike, say, Badger or No-Sting. She clearly had amazing control over her own mind, to be able to share-yet-not-share like so. And she was an adult. Her choices were far more informed than Milo's. For these two reasons, Choice felt no guilt when using her preferred name. If only Milo...
"I fear I hurt him by not being enough or by not darning to fully explain the world to him." Choice had never been skilled with words and what comfort he could offer by company and shelter solved few things when it came to misunderstandings and learning. He should be able to listen to Milo, to offer sound advice and guidance. That is what all cubs needed. "I wish I could talk with him as a true adult, but every time I have to disagree with him in a way I know upsets him, I freeze."
Choice had to laugh at himself at that, an almost genuine sound if it hadn't held a hint of hysteria. "He is at such a vulnerable age, where all emotions overwhelm you, and he's also been through such horrors. I do not want him to suffer more but I also fear I'll steer him wrong by not speaking of things that make either of us uncomfortable. That is no way to live."
(OOC: Just a thought - You of course decide the limits of Crispin's magic yourself, but I think it could be kinda neat if there was a way for her mind healing magic to figure out that the elves in the holt have veeeeery different types of soul names, (without actually learning anyone's soul name, of course, not suggesting Crispin should be a soul name thief!). I think it would ease Choice's mind and conscience a lot if there could be actual, literal proof that Milo's soul name is less of a danger to share than his own, even if that realization would also confuse him greatly - but I don't want to assign powers to other people's characters! Thoughts? If not, I think Keleero might have the sending practice - and horrific backstory experiences - to maybe realize there's a difference to how different mind-sharings "feel" between our elves, which could be a fun roundabout way to figure the soul name situation out too, but Milo and Keleero aren't exactly going to be sharing deep, close sendings any time soon I think XD ...though maybe between Keleero and Crispin, somehow? Sorry for the long OOC addition, just spitballing ideas XD)
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Post by Crispin on Jun 19, 2023 13:44:58 GMT 1
Choice was clearly in need of contact and she made a note to do this more often. She'd take him for a tumble in the linens – or furs, as they called it here – too, being a pretty enough young man, but that'd be unfair on his feelings at this time. Maybe when his problems got eased some, so he could enjoy this perfectly normal thing.
For now she listened. Sometimes even that was enough: someone to share troubles with, knowing it wouldn't be shared around or judged upon. She smiled at his laugh, patted his knee. **I know how it is with children.** There'd been her own, even if they'd been taken from her too early, to be raised by others, foster children taking the place, elfin and human. **Try to remember that if it's not to keep him out of immediate danger or from hurting others, it's alright to leave him to figure it out on his own. Or wait till he asks. He needs to learn that too.**
Now Choice had yet to actually ask her about the soul names and she'd made it clear to Milo she wouldn't push it on his behalf. So tricks against panic first. **Let's try something to help you calm. Breathe, slowly, deep into your belly. Focus on just that...** Crispin would guide him through this breathing technique to calm panic, the counting pattern to keep it steady.
(OOC: I think her own experience is enough already to figure that out – she knows Milos soulname and how it is different to her own, how it's not a full sharing nor Recognition either. Just waiting out on Choice to bring his actual problem up, since she isn't about to go and solve other peoples problems without at least some initiative XD )
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Post by Choice on Jun 19, 2023 21:03:34 GMT 1
If Choice had known Crispin's thoughts, he would have welcomed them. While he hadn't shared furs with anyone since Nettle vanished, that was not something he associated solely with his Recognized, any more than he associated hugs or hand-holding only with her. Then again, he had many reasons not to be a in a good frame of mind to seek out that exact form of comfort and sharing right now. Choice let Crispin's comforting words wash over him and followed along with her breathing exercise. Being guided through sending made it easy to find a good rhythm. He soon found himself far calmer than he'd been in years, if only for the moment. "Thank you for the advice about Milo and for this," he gestured at himself and took another deep breath. "It helps. But, also... Sometimes..." No, he wouldn't run and hide now. Not when he'd come this far. "Sometimes I hear and see things that aren't there. Is there anything that can be done about that? I've found my own solutions over the years, but I always worry it'll get worse or sneak up on me in a way that'll lead to someone getting hurt." His hands curled into fists on their own accord. "The only surefire way I've found to know if something is there or not is to share it with my bond-friend. If they don't react, I know whatever I'm experiencing isn't really there. But I cannot demand my bond-friend always follow that close." Another terrifying thing about the future: he'd seen no other long-legs in this new place. Dance and Sneak's future cubs would be his last chance at a bond-friend, possibly forever. Just thinking of that made his lungs threaten to cramp with panic. ( OOC: A very good point! Man, now I'm wondering if poor Milo's insecurities would make him sad his soul name isn't like other elves'... Hopefully the realization that there are several variations in the holt, like Eryk who doesn't have a soul name and also has no animal-blood, will come before any revelations about Milo's soul name in particular, poor dear!) |
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Post by Crispin on Jun 20, 2023 19:05:55 GMT 1
Crispin had no reservations on sharing intimacy with anyone, she simply knew that she did not love him enough for this to be something steady and wanted Choice to be in a more stable state of mind before making such decisions. But she could be there in other ways until then.
The breathing helping was a good start, since this was something he could do on his own, anywhere. Something to become second nature, until he wouldn't need it anymore. **I can imagine how scary that must be!** Still within expectations for such trauma, though. **But it's... something to expect, if you've been alone for a long time. We all need contact. If there is a lack of it, too long, your mind will try to fill the holes in any way it can. Trying to help you, even if it doesn't seem like that right now.**
First and foremost he needed to remember that he wasn't going mad, that this was perfectly normal reactions. **Breathe.** she reminded him gently, noticing the onset of more panic. **Do you want me to banish them for a while, so you can focus on the other things?** Not a permanent solution, just to give him some days of peace. Maybe that would even be enough to snap him out from experiencing it.
(OOC: Milo will be fine. It's his name, he found it all on his own, there's no taking that away from him even if soulnames didn't exist at all lol)
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Post by Choice on Jun 20, 2023 21:34:10 GMT 1
"Any rest from it would be welcome," Choice answered Crispin, welcoming whatever aid she could give. It would be good to have at least a day or two where he'd know he wouldn't see or hear things that weren't there. "It makes sense, when you explain it like that," he continued, his mouth talking without him truly thinking his words over. "Before this, I hadn't seen other elves since I was about Milo's age. A-at least not daily." Only every other turn, when one of his former tribemates got too brave in the best or the worst of ways. "As happy as I am to be here, it's taking some getting used to, especially the cold." It was a poor attempt at a deflecting joke. "What was it like where you grew up?" he nattered on, fleeing from his own memories. "Do I remember correctly that you're also from a warmer place?" ( OOC: That's a nice to know  ) |
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Post by Crispin on Jun 21, 2023 16:15:03 GMT 1
Rest she could certainly offer, it taking no more than reaching out, brushing a hand against his forehead, letting her magic do the work. Should help him for some days, just to get his legs back under him. **It will get better** Getting used to more people took time, as much as getting used to loneliness did. **You aren't even the only one. And we all have to get used to different customs.** Which certainly was easier if you had seen as many years as she had, with the humans changing their ideas every other generation.
**Warm, yes. Enough so there never was snow, that one could always sleep outside. Everyone wearing clothes of light weaves, brightly colored. The homes were big and airy, full of light – and they did such nice things with water games, fountains and canals all around. Not much nature anymore though. And so many people, all living in one place, too many to ever know them all.** A very different lifestyle to what they had here. Crispin wouldn't fare too well surviving all on her own.
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Post by Choice on Jun 24, 2023 21:34:57 GMT 1
The relief was immediate and brought tears to Choice's eyes, though now they were tears of joy. He let out a long, deep sigh of pure solace. **Thank you!** Simply speaking wouldn't have conveyed the depths of his gratitude, even though his sending likely held echoes of his previous overwhelming despair. Finally able to breathe easier, trusting in Crispin's ability to heal, he chuckled ruefully at her comment about more than one person in the holt having things to adjust to. "You can say that again! It's amazing how differently we've all lived. Can you believe Mahrak lived where there were no humans whatsoever? No-Sting and Swift-Wind too! Even Nightbird I think and Flint too of course, seeing as he knew almost no one before coming here. Not strange we've all turn out so different." Choice then lost himself in the descriptions Crispin shared of her home place. Experiencing it through sending was almost overwhelming, it being so different from anything he'd ever experienced before, in words or in thought-sharing. The closest thing he had to compare the myriad of people Crispin indicated having lived among was the terse description Keleero had shared of his previous holt. The clothes and dens were fascinating, as were the clever things that had been done with water, but there was just so many people! And...so many of them were humans. Holding back a shudder at the thought of being surrounded by so many five-fingers, lest he offended Crispin, Choice did his best to reciprocate: **It seems the weather might be the only thing we have in common, I fear. This is where I grew up.** He shared what the savanna had looked like, stretching to the horizon, revealing distant mountains and widely spaced trees where the savanna gave over to the marshes, wetlands, grasslands and forests. It teemed with life, endless flocks of multicolored birds, prey and predators alike stalking the ground on four legs, a myriad of reptiles taking refuge in hiding places or soaking up sunlight, but no memory Choice shared with Crispin had any trace of elves in them. Or humans. And he wasn't a skilled enough sender to hide the fact that he was keeping things to himself because they caused him pain. "I don't think I could have handled going to the place where you live, directly from where I was." And Choice was saying that without fully having understood - or remembered, there was so many new things to remember now! - the situation Crispin had been in before, with the humans from her world. "I'm grateful I ended up here of all places, where everyone is equally lost and you can come to know all the new faces." |
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