Singing for the sunrise

"Huh, sounds stressful, living like that," Mahrak commented on Milo's description of how his humans feared those different from them. "Let's hope the humans around here are less on edge! I'd love to get to see them up close one day. Maybe even talk to them." The last he added in a conspiratorial whisper, knowing full well certain elves in the holt would go ballistic at the mere mention of approaching the local humans.

Mahrak nodded in sympathy as they returned to the topic of the deer-bloods and why Milo hadn't gone to live with them. "I suppose it's not easy to join another group of elves. Don't think a group of deer-bloods would have been keen on me and Longsleep slinking around their holt either. Good thing this place has so many different folks so there's no big group who can get offended at our differences." Individuals on the other hand...

Brushing aside irksome thoughts of Keleero's constant distrust and No-Sting's unease around magic, among other things, Mahrak shifted focus to the topic of soul names.

"Who exactly is 'everyone'?" he asked, honestly curious. He felt like he'd missed out on quite a dramatic argument or confrontation and he couldn't help but want to know all about it. "I don't mind when Crispin says her name, but I've noticed No-Sting and Swift-Wind think it's a little uncomfortable." And what Keleero said about it - or rather, silently brooded so loud you basically could hear his grumpy thoughts - was better left ignored.

But now he was getting side-tracked again!

"Here's my suggestion." He made sure to turn to fully face Milo as he spoke, to make sure his honest intentions came across as well as possible. He had no desire to force the kit into anything, especially when such important things as soul names were on the line, but he also didn't want to get a 'no' simply because he'd failed to explain himself well enough. "You, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to want to share your soul name with others. That makes me think your soul name works differently than mine works for me and the people I grew up with. So, this is my proposal:"

He switched to sending, to make sure Milo could hear the truth in his words and also so no one would overhear them. He didn't want someone else wandering in mid-explanation and misunderstanding his intentions.

"That sounds like a plan!" Mahrak genuinely meant that. What better way to approach humans than by having a human-blooded elf do so? It made perfect sense to him.

Mahrak frowned at the reasons Milo gave for not staying with the deer-bloods. "But what did they do with their own kin who couldn't run fast or hide well?" he mused out loud, not expecting Milo to answer that. The size-difference might have been hard to overcome immediately, but surely they could have made larger dens? Or did deer-bloods even have dens?

Hearing that Crispin knew Milo's soul name already and used it, lessened some of Mahrak trepidation about this upcoming experiment. Crispin had thus far come across as very kind and thoughtful, so he doubted she'd do anything to a young elf that would be truly hurtful or dangerous.

And then Milo – Olim – shared and Mahrak was too stunned to speak for a moment.

That initial knowledge, seeing more of Olim than he'd been able to tell before, was jarring. Mahrak instinctively drew back from it, but that only lasted for a heartbeat. This was close, far closer than a regular name should have brought them, but it wasn't what Mahrak knew as a true sharing of soul names. It was a relief and also a revelation. No wonder Olim thought sharing a soul name with strangers wasn't that big of a deal.

"All right, my turn."

He didn't share his mother's soul name. Even if he'd never see her again and Milo never would meet her, it would be too great a betrayal of trust, a downright violation. But he did share the sense of what learning her soul name had been like.

She'd been gravely wounded. She survived the wound but he'd been little more than a half-grown kit and they hadn't been sure she would pull through. She'd shared her soul name with him because they both wanted her to stay with him, at least in some sense. It had been strange and wonderful and oh so vulnerable. He gave no exact examples to Olim; did his best to not reveal his mother's secrets and fears and the uglier sides all people carried within them just as much as they did their joys and strength and goodness, but he tried to project that feeling. Of knowing someone completely. Of the honor in that, and the trust, and the exuberant terror of it. Of how easily you could misuse that and how cruel such a misuse would be.

It honestly left him feeling a little drained.

**That is what soul name sharing means to my people,** he finished his sending. **Quite different things, I think, if alike in some ways.**

"Who knows, maybe you need to grow older to share more," Mahrak replied, switching back to talking to rest his mind a bit. Walking the fine line between sharing what needed to be shared and revealing secrets that weren't his to tell had given him a headache. "But who knows what will happen if you end up Recognizing someone one day. That is a sharing no one controls." He paused. "You do know of Recognition, don't you?" Who was to say what an elf raised by humans knew of eyes meeting eyes, but surely the deer-bloods or someone here would have explained it to him by now?

The next question Olim - or Milo? what would be more appropriate to call him? - threw Mahrak for a bit. Because he understood Choice and Keleero's hesitation. He just didn't know how to explain it to Olim in a way that would be understandable. But he had to try. What was discovery and exchange worth without trying to bridge gaps between different understandings?

"It's not the same, no, but your soul name and mine aren't completely different things either. Here," he sent an image of what Milo had looked like to him before the soul name sharing. "This is what I knew of you before you sent your name to me. And this," another image, full of overlapping emotions and knowledge, "is how I see you now. It's not as deep as how I knew my mother, but it's a crack - and cracks can grow wider, even if you don't mean for them to."

He had to pause again to think on how to proceed. Things were becoming clearer to him as he spoke and they built a pit of dread in his guts, though he wasn't quite sure of why yet. Was he worried he'd offend Olim or did he fear hurting him one day, on accident, because of what he now knew?

He tried to imagine growing up without the stories of how soul names worked. How deep the trust between soul siblings and soulmates had to be. How much harm a soul name could do if you were cruel enough to use it against someone. If you met the wrong person, that lack of knowledge could lead to things he'd rather not try to picture.

"Let's put it like this, then: Say you meet someone much younger than you and they tell you they want your help sticking their head inside a bear's mouth. I know it's not the same, but bear with me." He chuckled a little at his own accidental pun. "Now, just the suggestion of that would make you go 'What?!' and try to get the kit as far away from bears as possible. But then you find out this kit is from a group of elves where this whole head-in-bear-mouth thing is a sign of great trust and respect, and you refusing to help the kit do it is a slap in their face. Would you change your mind and go find a bear?"

High Ones, this was getting muddled. "And then, as you're trying to take all that in, the kit also tells you they have magic that will calm the bear. They show you these powers. So it should all be fine, right? You should just show you respect the kit by helping them stick their head inside a bear's mouth, every morning from then on." Mahrak grimaced at how ridiculous his improvised tale had grown, but continued through, toward the point he was hoping to make. "But you don't have that power. You can't calm the bear. And the kit is turns and turns younger than you. Maybe your presence there will distract the kit, make them loose control over the bear. Maybe you end up being the reason that kit gets hurt or even dies."

Mahrak let out a deep sigh. That might have cleared things up or made them even more obscure. Best to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

"I can't know Choice's mind and I don't think even Keleero fully knows his with how often he second-guesses everything, but I can give you my best guess. I've seen how Choice acts around you. He clearly cares for you as if you were his own kit." That, if anything, was beyond obvious. "I don't think he calls you Milo to hurt you or reject you. I think he's scared to death of doing something that will hurt you. Because soul names can be terrible, terrible weapons, if used wrong."

He couldn't share all the horror stories he'd grown up with, tales that kept children and adults alike up until dawn, but he could do his best to share some of it. He sent, to make sure Milo would know he spoke truth: **I've thankfully never had to suffer through someone misusing my soul name, but my people have passed down what if feels like when someone does, so we all can be prepared. It is one of the worst things you can do to someone.**

"You are **Olim** yes. But can you honestly say you trust everyone in this holt to know you as such? Do you trust all other elves that much?" He didn't say Keleero's name but he had an inkling of how uncomfortable Milo felt around the glider. That Milo still seemed to want Keleero to use his soul name honestly baffled Mahrak. "Because if you do, you're a far better person than I am."

If Milo said he knew enough about Recognition, then Mahrak would trust in that. If there was one thing Mahrak had a hard time internalizing, it was that others might not want to learn everything about things new to them, so he assumed Milo already had asked all the questions he needed answered.

"Of course it's you," he replied to Milo bringing up the effects of sharing soul names. "But do you really think it's fair that I see that when I look at you, while you look at me and only see this?" He gestured at himself. "Not exactly a balance there."

And then Milo dropped an avalanche on him, figuratively.

"You were what?" were the first words Mahrak managed, once he could form coherent thoughts again, too stunned by both horror and rage to be gentle or tactful. "What kind of monsters did you grow up with? I'm starting to see why so many here have nightmares about humans..."

Mahrak didn't want to believe all of any kind of creature were born cruel, but if you'd only ever encountered foam-sick wolves, how would you know to not fear them?

Forcing himself to take a deep, calming breath, he did his best to not say the next, second, or third thing that came to mind. He had stumbled out on far thinner ice than he'd expected with this experiment and he feared dragging Milo under with more ill-chosen words. What by the two moons could he say to not make this worse? He wasn't a mind-healer, not even a parent, and this felt far too fragile to do guesswork with.

Finally, he decided on: "We had a punishment like that, where I come from. We called it 'shunning'. It was only done to those who had done the worst harm to others there could be. To do that to a child..." He gave a mirthless chuckle. "You might not believe it, but that's exactly the kind of cruelty and pain I think of when I think of someone using someone else's soul name against them. Unthinkable to most, but clearly not to all. No child deserves that. Never."

Knowing this about Milo - Olim - made his insistence on sharing his soul name make a lot more sense. And yet-

"So, you want people to know your soul name, to know you. I can understand that. But are you sure that's all you need? I'm not looking to deny you whatever name you wish to go by, but is that, on its own, enough?" In Mahrak's mind, this all seemed far too complex and deep a hurt to be solved by one thing alone, even if it was as monumental a thing as sharing your soul name with anyone who would hear it. "You seem convinced no one here would think you an elf if you don't share. Is that what the deer-bloods told you?"

He hurried to switch to sending, again to make sure truth came across clearly: **Because I've always thought of you as an elf, and I could only think of one person in this place stupid enough to think otherwise. I mean, No-Sting has tufts on her ears like her bond-friend. That doesn't make her a lynx. Why should having five fingers make you a human if having a tail doesn't make Spotfur a snow leopard?**

"Your grandfather kept you?!" As if the kit was a trinket or a bow. But he had little time to dwell on that horror before Milo moved the conversation along and he had other replies he needed to put into words more urgently:

"Sure, it's more than you had before, I can agree with that, but 'not as awful' is not the same as 'good' or 'enough'!" Mahrak dug his hands into Longsleep's fur so Milo wouldn't see his knuckles turning white. "If a tunnel caved in on me and you dragged me free from the rubble, that would be better than being left inside the tunnel. But would you stop there? Wouldn't you get me to a healer too?"

It seemed the kit had fixated on the use of his soul name being what would make everything better for him. Mahrak couldn't fault him for that, but it still came across to him like putting a thin string around an open, bleeding wound.

Mahrak frowned at Milo insistence on - as Mahrak's perceived it - Mahrak's supposed ignorance. That was a sore spot for him if he ever had one. Learning new things was wonderful, but being talked to as if he would have had different opinions if he'd had this new information earlier, when that wasn't the case, really irked him. He and Keleero had had plenty of arguments based in such comments aimed his way from the glider. Still, Milo was clearly hurting and also far younger than Mahrak, so he didn't let his full annoyance show. He stuck to talking, despite wishing his words to ring true, to avoid sharing his frustration:

"Yes, thank you, I've seen other sendings of humans. In fact, I had people share images of humans," to warn him of them, "before I even met you. So thank you for guessing, but I know my own mind in this. I'm not saying you don't have human blood. You clearly have a lot of it! But you're still an elf, no question about it." Whatever others may have to say on the topic, that was one thing Mahrak firmly believed. If his half-tiger ancestors were elves - and they were - then Milo, half-human or no, also was an elf. Otherwise nothing made sense.

"I am old enough to know myself, Olim. If I say I knew you were an elf before I knew your soul name, I mean that." Another deep breath. No reason to get short with the kit, who clearly had many hurtful experiences behind him to fuel his doubts. "Here's my advice: If you want people to truly know you, try to truly know them in turn. It seems to me you're so busy wanting to tell other people who you are, you don't actually listen to who they are."

All right, so he'd not manage to be fully gentle and soft with his reply, but it was a far milder one than a fellow adult would have received.